Dear Caco-Bot:
I dreamed it was my 50th birthday. My “friends” took me to a combination strip club / brothel. It had the astonishingly perfected, naked women. It had the neon and pulsing beats, the purple and blue, the black lights. Except the women would all have sex with you. My “friends” urged me to join a competition. You sit on stage with three other men. The women begin giving you a highly talented blowjob. The last one to nut wins a month long pass. I was standing in line for the game. “Get out of here,” a frat boy laughed. “You stink. I bet your dick is nasty. You owe them better than that.” “Go take a shower.” I sulked for a bit then stalked off to the back rooms. I found the shower. The bathroom was all pink. I stripped off my clothes and threw them away. They stank too. They were covered with stains and cigarette burns. I took the shower and stepped out dripping. I found a pair of booty shorts and a t-shirt with the brothel’s logo. For some reason they fit me, so I put them on. I didn’t even dry off. I started walking back through the halls to the blowjob test. A completely naked, supermodel hot woman stopped me on the way. “We need to get you to the hospital,” she said, urgently. “Yeah, but, why? I’m on my way to the blowjob test.” “Well,” she looked nervous, uncertain. “You CAN do that, but you REALLY need medical attention RIGHT NOW.” Then with almost a sixth sense she said: “You’re having a massive, silent widowmaker heart attack right now and you’ll be dead in 10 minutes.” There was an otherworldly certainty about her, and a sense of “wrongness” in my spirit. I was stunned. “Really?” I said, mouth agape. “I’m going to die?” “Yes, hon,” the stripper said, and started to cry. I collapsed. I felt myself dying. The stripper kneeled down to me, comforting me while continuing to weep. It was as though she was sad such a helpless man met his end for no reason. I could hear the buzzing of the fluorescent lights. I was bitter. My friends would get blowjobs. I would be dead. Then everything started to get dark. I could feel my heart stopping. It wasn’t beating. My breath was leaving me. All became still and silent. All of a sudden it was warm. I felt peace. I was being absorbed into nothingness. I was going to an eternal sleep. I was ready. “This isn’t so bad,” I said. “It was a good life.” “It’s not like I’ll be able to complain about it.” Then I died. And then I woke up.