I’ll take a break from describing the conditions of my time in [REDACTED], Tennessee to talk about the reason why I always get a little nervous about being “too” happy.
Right before I got arrested in the summer of 200X, I was on top of the world. I loved life, I loved what I was doing with myself, and I loved my place in the universe. I was meeting friends, meeting girls, had a good job, making decent money, and finally had a car and was out on my own. One might even say that I was euphoric. However, this “up” phase had a dark side as well… I was very confrontational. I would deliberately start arguments with people. It culminated when I provoked a physical altercation with a good friend of mine that I’ll go into at some point in the future.
Near the end, my “up” phase took a … “Crazy” turn. I think I’ve detailed it in earlier entries. I would stay up all hours of the night — I barely needed any sleep. I would write long letters to former President Bill Clinton explaining how I thought he could win himself a third term in the Presidency. I would scrabble out thoughts in a voluminous notebook, complete with wacky diagrams and drawings. I would take I Ching readings for myself and my friends, and I believed almost every vague result whole-heartedly. I threw away a lot of my rare video games and action figures because I considered myself too “grown up” for them. And then, of course, were the actions I took that led to my arrest — I’ve already gone over those three times in this journal so I won’t describe them again.
In the years since, I’ve learned I have Schizoaffective Disorder — a combination of Bipolar and Schizophrenia. It has the mood disorder aspects of Bipolar and the delusional aspects of Schizophrenia – truly the worst of both worlds. I’ve also learned that the euphoric “up” phases I entered into every so often were more accurately called “manic” phases and they were also a symptom of my illness. Like many people with mood disorders, I quite enjoy many aspects of the manic phase. They feel quite pleasurable, after all, and many people are prompted to stop taking their medication because they feel so good. I have even done so, in the past.
However, these manic phases can easily go too far, and tip into aggressiveness, impulsive behavior, and delusional states. I’ve also learned the trick to preventing a full-on relapse is watching out for the manic phase that comes before. Often it’s a sign that my medication needs to be adjusted.
The last time this happened was in December of last year. It began when I ordered a SIM card for the iPhone 4 that my Brother had sold me. I ordered the card from Straight Talk, and it was due to be delivered on a certain day by FedEx. Well, rather than knock on the door, the FedEx guy saw that there were no cars in the drive way, stuck up a note saying he had been there, and left. I was never aware he had brought the package until I checked the website and found there had been a delivery attempt.
I interpreted this to mean that the government was attempting to get a bead on my new cell phone number so that it could begin to track me as soon as I got my SIM card, and that it needed more time, so it prompted a delivery driver to skip out on knocking or ringing the bell. Ludicrous, I know. When the package came the next day, I happened to be waiting outside for the delivery person, and his nervous behavior suggested to my addled mind that I was correct. Never mind that I had called and complained to FedEx about the failed delivery attempt and demanded that the driver be given distinct instructions to ring the bell.
Then the mass shooting reports stared to pick up again in the News. [REDACTED] For one of them, I heard the kid had autism. I read a rumor on several web forums that he was taking the medication Fanapt… and that was enough to send me into a full blown Paranoid Fit. Why? Because my medication manager, an ARNP, had attempted to get me to switch to the exact same medication. Obviously this meant that these new anti-psychotics were MKULTRA style “mass shooter” drugs… and I could be the next big news story. I started religiously checking the conspiracy sites every few hours to see if there were any new developments. Eventually the Fanapt story was discredited as the actions of a well-known troll… but the damage had been done.
I obsessed over this story for at least two weeks. I was taking Buspar on a regular basis just to calm myself down enough to function. I was convinced that soon they would start rounding up the crazy people. I would be in bad shape! I started calling my medication manager, telling her I was having a relapse. The first thing she did was adjust my Risperdal upward by 2mg… and that accomplished nothing. Three or four days later, she had me start taking 500mg more Depakote per day… and within 24 hours my paranoia melted away like snow.
I think I understand why I had that relapse. Depakote is heavily weight depedant — the heavier a patient is, the more he requires to maintain an “effective level” in his bloodstream. If he doesn’t maintain an effective level, the drug has almost no effect. I had quit smoking six months previously, and gained 60 pounds as a result. My medication merely needed to be adjusted to account for the weight gain. I ran this explanation by my ARNP and she considered it to be plausible.
Anyway, I’ve told you this story just to mention this: I have been doing exceptionally well lately when it comes to my mood. I’ve been so happy that it verges on Euphoria. And it’s been this way for weeks. I’m afraid I’m entering a “manic” phase… and I even had a little Paranoia the last time I went down to [REDACTED]. I even started thinking that events on television and the Internet were being orchestrated to speak directly to me. Ridiculous!
My mood has been so good that I almost feel like it’s some kind of cosmic reward for quitting drinking… or a supernatural omen that I’m about to crash and burn into a nightmarish world of punishment the likes of which I’ve never experienced before. I feel like things are “too good” right now, and I keep looking over my shoulder for the bus that’s sure to smack into me at any moment. Basically, I feel like this good mood is possible a precursor to a relapse, just as it has been in the past.
I think it’s a little too early to adjust my medication, however. If this situation persists, I’ll simply bring it up the next time I go to visit my ARNP, which I believe is sometime in January. I hope I maintain my sanity until then.