When I was a child, I had unwavering faith in the God of the Christian Bible. It anchored me. It gave me purpose. It made me feel as though I was of infinite value… to someone. I was less aware of the problems of the world, it’s true… but what problems I did encounter were resolved simply by remaining aware that they were in God’s hands. I worried very little. I had almost no fears. I was safe and secure.
After my loss of Faith when I graduated High School, it seemed as though I were cast adrift in a world of horrible uncertainties. Life meant nothing, since Humanity has only briefly existed in the Geological Time Scale, is a mere speck in the vastness of the Cosmos, and any and all accomplishments are rendered pointless upon one’s death. I lost almost all my motivation to accomplish anything, and on top of that, I didn’t even know what I wanted to do. I lost all happiness and security. It was horrible.
In addition, I believed that the only virtues in the world that were left were Materialistic ones. I bought into the values of our society: that your worth could only be judged by your attractiveness, your money, your power – and the most lasting worth would be how many people remembered you after you died. I wanted to leave a mark on the world, I wanted to be a great person… I had far greater desires than my station in life warranted. I knew they were unattainable. So it rendered any of the pathetic middle management computer science achievements I could possibly garner as stupid to attempt.
As you can guess, I miss religion terribly. I know the Existentialists say that life is only what you bring to it, that it is a question asked of you rather than a question to be answered, and any worth you can bring to it yourself is worth far more than worth imposed upon you by ridiculous imaginary faiths. They also say that life is rendered all the more precious by virtue of the fact that it is brief and ephemeral, and without death it would not have such deep value. But I am not equipped to forge these truths for myself. I am too weak a person. And I firmly believe that most people are weak and unable to forge their own way as well. That’s why, for most people, religion is a good balm… or Opiate.
Having said this, you might wonder: why don’t I return to a religious life? There are two reasons. For one thing, I can’t. There are too many questions, doubts, and inconsistencies in the Bible and the practices of Christians themselves for me to ever blindly accept a system of Faith such as that. I’ve tried and it’s just not possible. For another, I don’t want to give up what Christianity would consider a “sinful lifestyle”: smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol, watching filthy movies. Perhaps the second is the most powerful reason, I don’t know. But I think both of them are equally important in my mind.
I desperately wish I could return. It may happen to me near the time of my death sheerly out of necessity, since I’ll be grasping desperately for some explanation for my impending doom. Maybe then the weight of what is about to occur to my personality will force me back into the Church. I have done so to a minor degree when I lost my Sanity in 2003 – I started attending a Church and believing the Bible for a short period to deal with the tribulations in my life. I half expect to become a “deathbed Christian,” in fact. Delbert makes fun of me for this, laughing that I plan to return to Christianity only after it will have almost no requirements on my behavior.
I don’t know – I just think I would be happier as a believer. But perhaps it is not religion that was responsible for my happiness – but the sheer simplicity and carefree nature of being a child.