Now I would like to talk about the biggest events of the year at my humble little Baptist school: State and International Conventions. Basically, all of the Christian schools in the state of Kentucky would gather at some rural location to compete in events ranging from sports like Basketball and Archery to more intellectual events like Public Speaking and Spelling, to music events like Choir and Handbells. Depending on how well the students did at State, they would move on to International Convention, where all the Christian schools from all over the world would gather. These were typically held at Universities. These events were sponsored by Accelerated Christian Education, the largest Christian / Home School Curriculum in America.
The first State Convention I recall attending was in Beattyville, Kentucky at some sort of Church Camp. I remember they had shitty cabins with bunk beds we had to sleep in, and the perpetual musk of dudes pervaded every single room. I’m sure it was due to the unwashed bodies and bags filled with dirty clothes. The only other time I ever smelled a funk that strong was at Juvie, in the Male Dorms. Another thing I remember is that the Camp only sold RC Cola (presumably because their scoreboard was sponsored by that soft drink company) and that was the pits because I viewed it as vastly inferior to Coke or, especially, Pepsi.
I can’t really remember all of the events I participated in at State, but I know I did a lot of drama stuff (particularly the School Play) every year, Spelling, and Scholastic Bowl. I wasn’t quite analytical enough for Chess and never athletic enough for the Bastketball Team. Very few people attended my events . . . the big draws were the sports played by the popular kids like Darron. Events like that, with multiple participants, were always more important than single events because they boosted the medal count of the school, and thus enlarged the chances of winning the First Place Trophy at the end. As a matter of fact, The Brother invested in extensive handbell and chime sets for this very reason. We were the only schools who owned them, you see, so everyone participating was guaranteed a first place medal.
I remember the preparation for these events well – memorizing lines, goofing around with the other actors in the play, and so forth. Even though I always put everything off until the last minute, I had hilarious fun getting ready for the Conventions. Handbells and choir were probably the most ridiculous as everyone would always fuck up and the Principal at the time, The Brother, (remind me to write about him later) would become quite angry and say all kinds of crazy shit.
Preparations were rather shady, though, because of the degree to which the faculty helped the students, and sometimes even did their events for them. Although several students would enter events like Short Story Writing and Essay Writing, I would always take over and write them in full. It’s a wonder nobody ever caught on to the similar language and busted the students for plagiarism. Perhaps it was accepted practice, I have no idea. Another thing I would do is rigorously demand certain emotional tones and gestures for any drama student that I coached, enough to where one of the teachers would complain that anybody who worked with me “sounded exactly like caco.”
The big event my Senior Year was our school’s victory in the Basketball competition at State Convention. One of our rivals had a reputation as an excellent Basketball team, and all the girls lusted after its members, so they were doubly hated. Our Championship Game was against that team and we won with a last second drive to the basket by Darron, the Star Player of the Team. The entire gymnasium erupted in cheers.
The boys were always trying to arrange liaisons with the girls after hours, and rumors frequently swirled that they were engaged in… “physical pursuits.” I remember there was one guy – can’t remember his name – who was real popular with the girls (especially Andrea) because he had gotten shot in the stomach. He told everybody about it as a mark of pride, as though he were hardcore. This made him a superstar, which in turn made me bitter, as usual.
One time when I came home from State Convention after winning the CAP Award (the award for first place medals in a variety of Scholastic Events), I was very frightened that Darron would be angry at me for being such a success. He clapped me on the back and said “Good job, caco!” in a rather sarcastic tone and I was certain it had some underlying meaning. But back then, I was extremely obsessed with ulterior motives and convinced everyone was plotting against me somehow. Precursors of a much worse disorder.
I went to four International Conventions in total – twice in Denton, Texas, once in Indiana (I think it was Bloomington but I can’t be certain) and the most memorable time in Flagstaff, Arizona. We actually drove to see the Grand Canyon for the latter! That was quite an experience – talk about huge. It doesn’t even seem real when you’re looking at it. And the hamburgers at the nearby McDonald’s were like $10 or something ridiculous like that. I remember several of the students jumped the fence and walked out onto the ledges to take striking photographs, all with the approval of The Brother.
There are a couple of Events that stand out from International Convention. The primary one was Expressive Reading, which I won. I worked hard to prepare for it. I was looking forward to giving a “Command Performance,” in front of thousands of attendees, which they typically awarded to the first place recipient of a dramatic event. However, for some reason, ACE decided to plug their primary School of Tomorrow located somewhere in Texas by allowing one of their students to give the Command Performance. I don’t even think that student placed in the top three. Another event I got first in was Spelling, although the questions were child’s play compared to the kinds of words you get in National Spelling Bees. I can’t really remember the rest of the events or what I placed in them, but I always came home with a wad of medals. I still have dreams sometimes that I’m at International Convention and I have to sit through the all-day Awards Ceremony before enduring the long ride home.
Speaking of long rides, The Brother would always load up on a Big Gulp cup of coffee and drive the entire night long. He probably endangered us all! I also remember the Game Boy (the original huge one) was at the height of its popularity, and I played a lot of Tetris, Solar Striker and Super Mario Land. (Most of the eras of my life are defined by the videogames I was playing, which is pretty sad.)
The administrators of the International Convention issued little mock “Passports” which were supposed to be stamped after entry in any particular Event. I remember being enamored with these, and I still have them in the desk drawer in front of me. I would always pay close attention during the nightly sermons, and would keep extensive notes on them in the spaces provided in the “Passports.” One time I was down sick from something I caught at my job in the cafeteria, and that night’s note space reads: “Down with bacterial tonsillitis caused by streptococci.”
Heh, heh. Back then I sought any opportunity to work. ACE offered Part-Time Jobs to any Student that wanted to help with the administration of the Convention, and the first time I got extremely excited, because I would be able to make enough money to order the brand-new Street Fighter II for Super NES via mail order. I paid over $80 for it, which was a rip-off. I should have just gotten it at Wal-Mart.
Another tidbit: I ordered a pizza late one night along with Darron. However, I ordered it right before Lights Out and wasn’t able to go to the Lobby to see if it had arrived. The Brother picked it up for us, and encountered an Australian man on his way back to our rooms. Of course the Aussie started bumming slices off of him, and The Brother said he kept giving them to him “so he would keep talking.” Over half the pizza was gone by the time it got to us. The Brother delivered it to Darron’s room, and I was extremely disgruntled because I wasn’t going to get any, given that I couldn’t go over there. So I quickly fashioned a Code Grid where various numbers represented letters and rushed it over to Darron before anybody noticed. (He looked pretty perplexed.) Then I began knocking the code out on the wall, spelling “give me some pizza” with various taps and thumps. Nobody ever figured out what the Hell I was doing, and later a staff member came by asking if anybody had been making noise.
Another thing I remember is that a guy named Bert absolutely hated my guts for some reason. I remember he played Drill Instructor and I played Private, and he kicked my ass on a mile hike through the woods. Another time he threatened to throw me out of the school van while it was moving, probably because I was saying something he didn’t approve of. Another time he got angry because I was late for the meetup to leave a particular mall he despised, and everyone decided to split up and explore the Mall a bit longer, which meant he would have to endure it for a while more.
Of course, International Convention was where the confrontation with Andrea took place, which I discussed in a previous entry.
That’s about all I can remember about the Conventions for now, but if anything else comes to mind, I’ll expand this entry.