In almost every regard, when I go out in public, I have the appearance of a homeless person. My brown hair is unkempt because I rarely comb it, even after I get out of the shower. I have hazel eyes. My chin is covered by a perpetually scraggly beard, since because of lack of hormones or something it doesn’t grow in fully. Usually I let it go until wild hairs are poking out at every angle, then I shave it off with a pair of hair clippers like a barber uses. I often let my fingernails get too long and they frequently have dirt under them. My teeth are in horrible shape from years of neglect when I was truly delusional. They are covered with coffee and nicotine stains. I stand about 5’9″. The only way I don’t look homeless is that I’m obviously overfed and inactive: I weigh about 260 lbs.
I have a bulky tan Carhartt coat which Erin has taken to calling my “man coat.” Since I am clumsy and inattentive, this coat is usually covered by ash and coffee stains since I only wash it once a month. I wear it everywhere, even in reasonably warm weather (I only go without it when the temperature hits 60 degrees or above). It has a large hood on it that I keep pulled over my head whenever I’m out. On top of this, I have a pair of faux-wool gloves that have the fingers cut out of them, the edges ragged and burned. These I call my “homeless gloves.” I only wear them when the cold nips at my hands (I don’t wear them much nowadays).
I have lost all of my “good” shirts, so I always wear t-shirts everywhere, even in winter. All of my jeans are ragged and dirty (although they don’t have holes in them). In addition I have a pair of zip-up running shoes that the soles are coming out of. I have had them since 2001. Usually when I am around the house, I skip the jeans for a pair of shorts, and wear them even when I go outside to smoke. I am unable to buy new clothes, coat, or shoes because my income is small and I usually spend myself down to pennies every month. (I could probably alleviate this problem by learning to cook.)
On top of all this, I chain smoke one right after the other. Usually I smoke two to two-and-a-half packs a day of an extremely shitty cheap brand called Kentucky’s Best. (Once a month or so I buy a carton of Marlboros as a treat.) These cigarettes not only taste bad, but they have a newspaper-burning kind of smell, and I always smell like them because I’m always wearing my coat while I’m smoking. Sometimes I smoke them so much the back of my throat gets irritated and I start to choke. When this happens I have to stub the cigarette out, which causes me to waste a lot of them.
Erin says I stand out wherever I go, and the only place I would look appropriate would be a homeless shelter. There is no way, in my current condition, that I could ever be attractive to anyone, except perhaps the mentally ill or desperate. Despite all this, my habits are so ingrained that I doubt I’ll ever
change.