I will now kick off a Journal series I’d like to call “The Friend Zone.” Basically I will detail the ignominious times I have been put in such a zone by the women I have actually showed an interest in. However, according to the Internet, you can’t truly consider it the “Friend Zone” if you merely become friends with a woman without having the courage to ask her out; you have to actually be turned down with the excuse “I just want to be friends.” Several of my attempts were like this, but more of them were not.
(Editor’s Note: Since this entry was written, the very concept of “The Friend Zone” has fallen out of favor, considered these days mostly to be the provenance of socially maladjusted dweebs incapable of understanding male / female relationships aside from their sexual content. Even applied to this entry it’s rather laughable, because the incident detailed here is barely even worth mentioning, much less an anguished recounting of unrequited love. I think my intention was to establish a pattern early on, which this writing most certainly does. The world and myself may have moved on from such manipulative interpretations of platonic relationships, but I maintain that most of the public today pretends to be more aloof and virtuous than they actually are. Hate to say it ladies, but most likely if you have a straight male friend, he’s thought about fucking you at least once.)
My very first crush occurred when I was at a Fundamentalist Baptist boarding school for Juvenile Delinquents my dad threw me into in 1990. I tried out for the Theater there and had no trouble securing the lead role in its production that year. I don’t believe it was because I was a particularly good actor, but because I had a nerdy and nebbish appearance and demeanor that perfectly suited me for the particular naïve hero that I would be playing. Also, I think the director liked me personally, because of the very same qualities that the lead role shared: a sort of “nice guy” “underdog” factor.
In any case, I was paired with an extremely attractive girl who was going to play my love interest. It was an old-school Melodrama, with a Black-Clad Villain conspiring to steal away the wealth of the landed hero and ruin his love life in the process. The girl playing the heroine was in the “top tier” of the school’s social cliques . . . .She was a Senior on the volleyball or cheerleading team and had many young men pining for her affections. (She ended up going out with the Principal’s son, Captain of the Football Team.) I, however, barely paid her any attention, viewing her as a mere schoolmate; I barely even noticed her attractiveness.
I had a few contemporaries that I hung around with at the school. I hesitate to call them friends, because they were really around me only due to proximity; we shared spots on the Junior Varsity Scholastic Bowl Team. Strangely enough, it was the first time in my life that I was ridiculed for my lack of knowledge; due to my shoddy Junior High Education, I was actually one of the weakest members of the team when it came to academics.
In any case, we were sitting around in the dorm room when these fellows began to tease me about the fact that I played the romantic interest of this attractive, popular young blonde. They asked me if there was a kissing scene and I explained that there wasn’t one, to which they responded, “What kind of love story is it without a kiss?” (I think there may have been a kissing scene in the original script, but for moral and prudish reasons it had been taken out.)
They then entertained the possibility of the scene being returned to the script and the hilarity that would ensue, considering the mismatched social classes that she and I were in. I distinctly remember Rob saying, “Wouldn’t it be funny if Sarah fell in love with old caco here?”
From that moment, the thought of her falling in love with me began to develop in my mind. I started noticing her attractiveness and becoming more and more infatuated with her. I knew that nothing in this world would ever cause her to become interested in me, but I still strongly wished for it to happen. I don’t even think we shared more than a few sentences of conversation.
I became somewhat obsessed over her, trying to catch sight of her at the gym on one of the few occasions at the school the girls were allowed to associate with the boys. (One of the few things the school would kick you out for was having sex, and thus the girls were sequestered in their dorms 90% of the time. The boys were free to roam the Campus.)
Nothing ever developed. I remember resenting Lawrence (her boyfriend) quite strongly, considering him a jerk and a privileged favorite of the Staff at the school. I formulated ridiculous methods of somehow sabotaging the relationship, but never acted on any of them. I also never told anyone of my feelings, being somewhat embarrassed by them.
Despite all my wishes, I never considered or fantasized about sexual activity with her. (That part of me hadn’t developed.) However something happened to me on opening night that was perhaps my most thrilling experience at the school.
After our initial performance of the play, the applause was wild (although I’m certain the performance was terrible, as all High School drama productions are). The entire cast was intoxicated with the thrill of success. We were gathered backstage, listening to the applause. For some reason, Sarah was overcome with emotion, and I just happened to be the closest person nearby. After clapping her hands excitedly and giving a broad smile, she embraced me in a huge hug which lingered for several seconds. I started stammering and shifting my feet, and she quickly recoiled in horror, an expression coming over her face that suggested a realization that she had just done something unprecedented. She ignored me for the rest of the night, including at the cast party after the show.
Well, that’s it for my first crush! I realize it was rather anticlimactic (and probably uninteresting) but some of the later titanic failures are much more developed and humorous. I will probably sprinkle such tales in between my regular entries.