Whether we like it or not, all of us are members of certain stereotypes, depending on our race, class, and personality. This is especially true for me, a socially maladjusted nerd, and as I thought about it some yesterday morning, it depressed me.
I don’t get along well with others. I’m extremely shy around strangers. People think of me as “odd.” I have a tendency to say stupid or embarrassing things.
I don’t relate to women. I have never been pursued for a romantic relationship or for sex, at least not to the point where it is noticeable. I don’t like to be touched, and have difficulty breaking the “touch barrier” which you have to do to develop intimacy. For some reason I think of others’ private space as similar to my own: not to be violated.
I don’t read body language, or often even notice if someone likes or dislikes me based on these nonverbal cues.
I enjoy videogames to the point of obsession. It is pretty much my only hobby, but I hesitate to call it that since “hobby” implies something that serves at least a minimal purpose. At the same time, I’m not very skilled at video games, because I don’t put a lot of time into any one game. I prefer games which
require no twitch reflexes, such as turn-based strategy or RPG’s. Of the two, I prefer RPG’s. I can play or replay them for hours. I prefer playing attractive female characters when the option is available.
I have played World of Warcraft for many hours.
I enjoy certain types of anime. I tolerate the clichés, bad writing, and bland voice-acting as inevitable detriments of a primarily childish form of entertainment. I’ve rewatched Evangelion many times, along with Cowboy Bebop. I sometimes download the music from my favorite shows, and find music by
the bands featured in them. I also enjoy bad science fiction, primarily movies and television shows (the obligatory Star Wars and Trek).
I have played a lot of pen and paper roleplaying games in the past, although I don’t enjoy them as much as I used to. Primarily MechWarrior, Call of Cthulhu and Dungeons & Dragons. I know what a d20 is. I have argued with other gamers over the interpretation of the rules. I have created “Mary Sue” characters and inserted them in games to one-up or defeat the players.
My image of women has been irreversibly damaged by pornography. My idea of beauty has been warped and distorted into some perfectly proportioned unreachable plastic standard. This has caused me to develop crushes on attractive women out of my league, who often have less than desirable judgment or personality. I have been put in the “Friend Zone” by them multiple times, but each time, I repeat the same mistakes as though it has never happened before.
I have an extreme case of nostalgia goggles. Often I will find movies, television shows, or video games that I have enjoyed at some point in the past and will watch or replay them just to remember what it was like the first time. This especially applies to arcade games and SNES RPG’s which I never tire of. I
will look up events and releases by year, and reminisce about what I was doing at that time. I am always looking fondly upon the past or dreading the future. I rarely think about the present.
I am extremely pessimistic. I view society as a haphazard construction of bad debt and pretend money, reliant on a finite and diminishing fuel source, which will inevitably collapse into violence and ruin. At that time, people like me unable or unwilling to defend themselves will truly get their shit pushed in. I can only hope my friends and family care about me more than I think they do, that they will risk their own well-being in order to prevent my destruction.
I am very gullible. I read paranoid conspiracy theory websites and blogs and assume things “from an anonymous source” have plausibility. Despite being proven wrong on many occasions (particularly about the Iran war “sure to happen within the next month,” at least a half-dozen times), I still view their
predictions as likely to pass at some point in the future. I’m a liberal and distrust my own government and corporations, but I do nothing to develop personal accountability or live a more “pure,” clean life. I have a divided mind: while I hold anti-Consumerist views, I am the perfect Consumer and spend nearly 100 % of my disposable income on fast food and entertainment.
I have been diagnosed with a mental disorder and take medication for it. I have self-diagnosed myself on several separate occasions, each time with different results. I admit now that perhaps those diagnoses weren’t the most accurate.
I am extremely sedentary. I don’t work or pursue any form of self-improvement. I don’t take care of myself. My appearance is in terrible shape. Likewise, if left to my own devices my personal environment becomes a shambles of dirty dishes, clothes, and empty Pepsi cans. I consider myself such a damaged product that any attempt to improvement is “polishing a turd.” I sometimes think it would be better if my genes were removed from the pool. I believe my only useful contribution to society would be doing technical work nobody else is willing to do and thereby supporting others who can do even less for themselves than I can.
I am usually unshaven and thus have a neckbeard. Along with this, my hair is parted to the side and I wear glasses. I also wear old t-shirts and shorts 95 % of the time. I don’t kill myself because I am afraid of non-existence, and I enjoy my mental distractions.
There are a few ways I don’t fit the stereotype as well. I guess I could take solace in these. They are far outnumbered by the ways in which I do fit the stereotype though.
I don’t view any form of entertainment that I enjoy as inherently superior to others’ preference for entertainment. I recognize that a lot of what I enjoy is objectively low quality or even bad, but I like it despite this. As a result, I don’t go online to rant and rave, defending my position, and I don’t do it in conversation with others.
I used to enjoy arguing and mocking others behind a veil of anonymity, but I have since realized that this is an obvious attempt to overcompensate for my own flaws, so I don’t do it anymore. I admit that this may not be true for everyone.
I at least seem to be able to recognize when a topic I am discussing is boring to someone else, and know when to shut up about it or go away. I’m not particularly “clingy” toward anyone that will show me attention (like the “Cable Guy”).
I don’t spout memes in real life.
I have never written fan-fiction.
I have not become an obsessive Warcraft player, and have never been on a 25-man raid.
I don’t view women as “whores and liars” who only accept “bad boys.” They merely have differing levels of maturity, and often the more stunning ones are the most immature. I have matured enough to realize that the common thread throughout all my failures is myself. As a result, I don’t despise women
anymore for not showing any particular interest in me. In fact, I view it as an example of good judgment!
I have several real life friends who seem to value my company despite its unappealing nature. I speak with them regularly and get out of the house at least once or twice a week.
Well, I’m running out of ideas, so I guess I will close this entry here. Haven’t had the gumption to write a “life update” yet. Too much time has passed, and I don’t want to write a massive entry.