I’ve got most of my stuff packed and ready to go. There are a few things that I need to throw away, like some food I never plan to eat and some dishes that Delbert doesn’t want anymore, but that’s about it.
Erin and Al DeLarge are coming down on Saturday to help me move, hopefully it shouldn’t take long to get everything transported and set up in the Townhouse that Bro has purchased.
The last time I lived in Lexington, I experienced crippling bouts of anxiety that occasionally prevented me from going out in public, and a pervasive fear that I was going to be robbed or burglarized at some point during my time there. Lexington is more of a high crime area than [REDACTED], and although I
didn’t feel that my victimization was inevitable, I felt that I would be absolutely crippled psychologically if such a thing did happen. Even though I will be living in a gated community in a rather nice part of town, I expect these fears to resurface.
I think, however, that my anxiety may have been triggered simply by a change in circumstances, because when I first moved back to [REDACTED] I experienced a lot of anxiety about my finances, particularly regarding Delbert’s contribution to the monthly bills. As a matter of fact, I almost drove him crazy with my nagging and worrying, he referred to me as “a bitch” many times due to these feminine qualities.
Eventually I got used to living with Delbert and the anxiety went away. I have a feeling that last time I was in Lexington, I didn’t give myself enough time to adjust, and that eventually the anxiety about my situation there would have gone away as well.
I was desperate to move back to [REDACTED], though. And I have to admit, a lot of my reasoning was rather faulty. I have a tendency to take rumors on the Internet at face value, and a predilection for visiting more conspiracy oriented sites.
If you visit such sites, you’ll find that economic doom and gloom are about all they predict for the future. Total collapse of our financial system, breakdown in transportation, no food getting to the cities, mass riots, anarchy, that sort of thing. I thought that by living in a smaller town I would be insulated from these events when they occur. I realized at the time that they were unlikely, perhaps even crazy to plan on, but I was convinced. Now, although I still fear such events may happen in the future, I am less confident that they will and more certain that my belief in them is evidence of some form of mental instability on my part. So I’m willing to give Lexington another shot.
What really pushed me into this course of action, though, was Delbert’s moving out of my apartment. With him gone, it’s just me by myself, all day, every day, with nobody to talk to. This drives me to depths of despair and loneliness I don’t really enjoy experiencing. When I live in Lexington, not only will I have entertaining conversationalists Bill, Erin and Al DeLarge to visit with once a week or more, I will be living with my brother and will be able to hang out and talk with him whenever I feel down.
Still, I expect it to be a stressful few months until I adjust. Not only do I have my irrational anxieties to worry about, but also difficulties dealing with my brother that I believe I’ve gone into in this journal before. I know I’ve talked about his girlfriends and how he always has some type of stranger in his home, and how that affects me.
An additional concern will be his nagging — because I am a messy person and he is a neat one, he will be constantly reminding me to clean up after myself and keep myself in better condition than I’m used to, much as a Mother or Grandmother would do. This may not provide as much stress as one might expect though, because I’m rather used to it from living with my real Grandmothers.
I have several nebulous goals for my return to Lexington. The first thing I would like to do is try to become more active. I plan on taking the dog for a walk each morning to start out, then gradually work in some biking and other aerobic exercise. As it is now I am a useless sloth as I have described on many occasions before. I also plan to start eating three semi-regular meals a day, instead of one high calorie fast food or frozen pizza meal, so perhaps my metabolism will increase. The overall goal here is better fitness and an increased energy level.
I will also continue my daily tasks. I don’t know how much of a benefit these are to me, however.
The Spanish lessons I am taking I find do not meet with any reinforcement in my daily life, so I forget previous lessons quickly. I can think back on words that I covered, and I know I once knew the Spanish words, but they’ve completely slipped my mind. I fear I’m not retaining any of the Spanish that I do learn. Only a few words stick in my memory.
Likewise with the books that I read. Although they are entertaining, I don’t do much critical reading or thinking about them so I don’t feel that any knowledge is being gained — it’s just a more admirable form of entertainment. If I read more carefully or perhaps took notes and compared them with others’ observations I might be able to gain more insight from what I’m reading, and become a little better educated.
My writing has taken a back seat to this reading. I had been working on a short story about Dchizophrenia, but after I finished the story I found that I was extremely dissatisfied with the result. The story lacked punch, a compelling character, or even memorable events in the course of the plot. It was just a rather rote tale of someone’s descent into madness and rather quick recovery.
I decided that what I needed to punch up the story was familiarity with the actual symptoms of Dchizophrenia, particularly with regard to certain symptoms: Voice and Thought Insertion due to a nefarious third party, in particular. So I decided to read about these subjects, in the hope that I would gain material to add to my story to make it more compelling.
The problem is I put down an absolutely huge list of Schizophrenia and Mind Control books to go through, and I haven’t been retaining a lot of the information that I do read as I mentioned before. So I don’t know how much good this is doing me. As of now, my research into these subjects is on hold since I can’t check things out from the library on the eve of my move. I plan on picking them back up once I’m able to go to the Lexington library.
The real reason I keep trying to read so much about the subject, though, is that writing is hard, and I’m rarely satisfied with what I come up with. Rather than struggle to put things down on the page, and read and reread and write and rewrite, I simply put it off by telling myself I need to know more about
the subject before I can write about it. It’s a form of procrastination.
I would also like to try my hand at longer fiction works also, but I have an even huger list of research topics for the book I would eventually like to write.
A third area that I would potentially like to explore is a return to the job market. After I got arrested with a pot pipe in 2003, I tried to get a job with a temp service doing IT work for a large corporation. I have heard that The Company only hires from colleges and temp agencies now. The temp service told me they would be unable to hire me so long as I had a drug charge on my record, given that it costs more money to insure workers with drug-related charges. My thought was that I could find the lawyer that represented me in my legal troubles in 2003, and have the sole drug charge on my record expunged, since it’s been over five years.
My brother is not charging me rent for the first month that I live with him, and combined with my stimulus check I received early this summer I should have a little extra money to afford the lawyer fee. Once I get that charge taken care of, I could go back to a temp service and potentially get another corporate job answering password change requests or plugging in new computers.
The last thing I would like to do when I get to Lexington is to become a bit more socially active. As mentioned previously, I’ll have my old high school friends to talk to, and they occasionally go out for family or social events of their own, and because I am so pathetic, they frequently invite me to come along.
In addition, I recently came back in contact with my old friend Jed, who has a wide circle of friends. If I started hanging out with him, I could meet a variety of new people and perhaps make some new friendships, and possibly something more?
In any case, if I am to accomplish this I must overcome my reluctance to engage in social situations, and I must try to make myself more presentable to others, instead of remaining the disgusting troll that I am at present. This would be a good opportunity for me to reduce my overall loneliness and awkwardness with others.
If I were to sum up my goals for Lexington, it would be “become less contemptible.”