I returned from a trip to Lexington on Saturday. I have to say that the whole trip was pretty much a wash. I found myself sleeping about 16 hours per day and lacking the will to even get up and read a book. I did manage to spend a little time with some of my friends however.
I went up on Friday evening with Al DeLarge’s mom and Delbert. The night we got there, Jackie had a small get-together to celebrate his 28th birthday. A couple of friends of his from work came over and we had some drinks. One of his friends got so slobberingly drunk within the first hour that he was barely able to stand. It was pretty humorous, they took extra precautions with him and even filmed him saying some stupid-ass shit. Eventually he started to get sick, so his friends took him outside. He barfed over the rail of the deck right onto a large outdoor air conditioning unit, which was on at the time. The fan slung the vomit in a spray up and over the deck and for a few brief moments there we experienced a vomit rain.
After that, he was pretty much dead to the world and fell asleep on the couch. The rest of us went out to a college kids’ club, Saddle Ridge. Jackie got sick on the way over and took the cab immediately back home, so it was just me, my brother, and Delbert. Once we got there, most of the people were young, thin, and attractive. Delbert and I sat rather sullenly on the patio and smoked cigarettes, staring at the desperate actions of the drunk and horny. We had women coming up to us asking what was wrong with us, why weren’t we dancing? I explained that I was a loser. My brother, meanwhile, tried to get some action with the ladies, but didn’t have much luck. Eventually we met a nice girl named Hadda who actually didn’t refuse to talk with us. She seemed rather disgusted with the atmosphere of the club, like we were. She sat down at our table, but we only got to talk with her for a few moments before the bar started to close down.
Delbert got in a huge argument with Bro over Evolution in the cab, and they stayed up for hours hashing out their thoughts on religion, science, materialism and faith. I on the other hand went to bed.
The next day, we sat around the house at my brother’s until the evening, at which point Jackie and he decided to go watch a UFC fight at a sports bar, and Delbert and I went over to Erin’s to hang out with her and Al Delarge. We got a little twisted and sat on the back porch and talked at length about politics and mass media, and I got to bring in some of my recent observations on mind control — specifically, the role of thought manipulation in advertising and the prevalence of various groups that use techniques of suggestion to win converts, the military and religious groups being prime examples. It was a fun evening and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Throughout the next week my extreme lethargy set in. I would go to bed at about 10 PM and wake up long after noon. Occasionally I would talk with Jackie or read a book to while away the afternoon hours, but most of the time I was either smoking or sleeping. In the evening, Bro would either play Rock Band or we would watch television until bedtime. Then, I repeated the cycle once again. I did get to watch 2001 in 1080p with him on Sunday (he had never seen it) and we spent a little time on the deck talking about the implications of the film, which was fun.
The only change to my routine came one night when Jackie was off work and I felt obligated to stay over at Al’s to give Jackie the freedom to enjoy his evening. Al, much to my surprise, had a small pipe there and offered me some. I took one hit and almost immediately descended into a paranoid hell. I thought Al was intentionally forgetting his baby monitor outside to beam transmissions to shadowy anti-government ideologues. I thought Al was trying to program me with subliminal messages hidden in this televised Radiohead concert he had been wanting me to watch for weeks. I thought the Lakers vs. Celtics game was being set up in advance through the eagerness or refusal of the officials to make calls against certain players. I would fall into this realm of terror over and over again, only to pull myself out by forcing myself to think, “caco, remember, Al is just a normal dude, this is just a normal late evening hanging out, there’s nothing malicious or suspicious about it.”
I told Al about my problem, that the smoke was too much for me, and he said scornfully, “I don’t see how it’s possible to take less than a hit.” If I had been able to talk it out I might have been alright, but Al was preoccupied with the television. Thankfully after the game Al went to bed and sleep quickly overcame me.
I’ve pretty much decided at this point that there doesn’t seem to be a safe boundary for me when it comes to marijuana, and whether or not I have a bad experience is entirely random. It seems to happen about a third of the time, but I’ve determined that a third of the time is too often for me. Like several people have told me, it doesn’t seem like weed is something I can enjoy any longer. I mourn its passing, but I guess it’s time for me to quit anyhow.
I also ran into Jed. He was working at Gumbo Ya Ya and he seemed pleased to see us, despite my being out of contact with him for over a year. I had no excuse, as I still had his number, but he didn’t seem fazed. He came over the next day and spent some time with me and we caught up with each other.
I returned Saturday with Bill and Jacqueline. That night, Delbert came over and we hung out and watched a couple movies, Revenge of the Nerds (which I’d never seen) and The Crippled Masters (which I had but Delbert hadn’t). We talked a lot of Delbert’s plans for school and he expressed
some reservations about one of his teachers. For some reason I was much more peppy than usual and stayed up until 3 AM. Delbert had a terrible hangover the next day.
On Sunday night I stayed with Grandma because she had some papers related to my student loans that she needed me to sign. I spent some good time with she and my Aunt, sitting on the porch and smoking. It was a pleasant evening, a little warm but not hot. After that I watched Fox’s lineup of cartoons and went to sleep. The next morning I drank coffee and spent time with Grandmother for a couple hours. We discussed the Great Depression and I expressed my not-wholly-rational fears of another such event smiting America one day, or perhaps even the entire world. She didn’t find the possibility as alien as I thought she would, because she has a deep-seated hatred of greed, and it seems like greed is something that is once again in excess in our society.
Dad picked me up at about 11:00 for lunch at Cracker Barrel, but being with him made me morose, as it usually does. I kept remembering the past with acrimony. We did go over a couple things he wanted me to do with the website. Then I came back here and did my daily tasks and finished up the book I had been reading.
The book was mildly interesting. It was called My Sister’s Keeper and it is about a woman with a Manic-Depressive sister. This sister is so fat, and so lazy, and always causing a burden to everyone around her; while reading about her I became ashamed of myself, thinking how I must be such a burden to everyone else, particularly when it comes to transportation. I’m surprised my brother is even considering allowing me to live with him because I’m so . . . eccentric. I would think it would make it harder for him to find dates. But he claims to want to live with me and to be looking forward to the experience. I myself hope to make a few changes to my habits while I’m there.
At my last mental health appointment, my medication manager was distant as I told her of my plans to move to Lexington. I get the impression from her that she thinks it’s a terrible idea, but she didn’t voice her concerns for some reason. She seemed a bit standoffish and resigned, as though she were watching my last moments of sanity or something. She increased my dosage of Wellbutrin in order to “pep me up a bit” and I’ve started to notice quite dramatic effects. For example, I’ve been up since 8 AM this morning without taking a nap and feel not the slightest bit tired. I’ve also had a recurrence of the “fuzzy head” symptoms coming over me occasionally in the evenings. But I think the medication may actually help me to stay awake longer, so I’m going to stick with it.
Even though I live in extremely depressing surroundings, have few friends, and few prospects for any sort of future success, I’m hopeful about the changes happening in my life.