After I lost my job at the Housewares Factory, I got rather, well, bored of living with Granny Bernadette. I had long sold my computer and my PS2, my original Xbox was on the fritz, about the only machine I had that I could use for gaming was an old Intel Celeron PC with Windows Millennium that my Aunt owned, and it couldn’t run shit. She didn’t even have broadband, Auntie connected to the Internet using AOL dial-up, and Granny wouldn’t let us get anything better, especially if she was going to have to pay for it. So, I decided I would try my luck living in Lexington again, this time with Erin. I had been driving up every couple of weeks to visit her anyway.
It was a disaster almost from the get-go. Erin was determined to motivate me to do something for myself in any way that she could, but I was not interesting in helping myself, or anyone else, to be a better person. She started by suggesting that I cut back on my cigarettes. I distinctly remember her confronting me one day and saying, “caco, sometimes I think smoking cigarettes is the only thing you care about anymore.” So I yielded my packs to her which she would dole out to me, 10 cigarettes a day at steady intervals, just like they did in the Psych Ward at the University of Kentucky Hospital.
She also tried to put together little “projects” for me to do, like building pet furniture for her cats to climb on, or a bird feeder she could put bread in to feed the subdivision’s many fowl of the air. I half-assed everything she suggested that I do, forcing myself to do it begrudgingly. I remember Erin bringing the painted bird feeder back to me and showing me huge gobs of still-moist paint where I had sloppily slathered it in the corners. She was quite frustrated.
I also had the most serious brush with suicide I have ever had in my life. At the time, I was newly diagnosed with “Psychotic Disorder Not Otherwise Specified”, and I knew that wasn’t something you recovered fully from. I thought my life was over, that I would never enjoy anything ever again, much less contribute anything to society. So I got a knife from Erin’s kitchenware and tested it out on my wrists. My plan was to slit my wrists vertically, then climb in the hot tub so I could bleed out. But the knives weren’t very sharp, and I was afraid of pressing down.
So, I got in my car and drove to one of the tallest public buildings in Lexington, the five or so story parking garage next to the police station. I drove all the way to the top, climbed onto the edge, and stared down for what seemed like an eternity. I felt the cold wind of Death brush past my neck, and I contemplated ending my life for good. But I kept thinking: what if I don’t die, and instead I get permanently mangled or paralyzed? Life would become even worse than it is already! There was also still a healthy amount of cowardice involved. After awhile, I climbed down from the edge of the parking garage, got in my car, and drove back to Erin’s. When I got back, Erin admitted to me that she thought the next she would hear about me would be from the Police, informing her that I was dead.
There were a couple of bright spots to living with Erin. Spike TV had just acquired the broadcast rights to Star Trek: The Next Generation and Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, so every afternoon they would broadcast two episodes of the former followed by two episodes of the latter, in series order. Erin was none too happy that I was essentially commandeering her TV for four hours every weekday, but I thrilled as I watched DS9 episodes I had never seen before. It particularly amused me when they introduced the Defiant starship to the show and manufactured a reason for both Odo and Quark to be on board, and to share the same quarters.
Anyway, one day I royally pissed Erin off and brought our time together to an end. You know, I don’t even remember what it was now. Maybe it was the time I went out and bought more cigarettes on my own without telling her, so I could smoke whenever I wanted. She caught me because I wasn’t asking her for cigarettes on my regular schedule. Whatever the infraction was, Erin told me she shouted me down, cussed me out, and immediately called my Dad to come and get my ass because she wasn’t putting me up any more. That’s how I ended up back at Granny Bernadette’s yet again.