The whole matter of apologies is confused by . . . popular but essentially senseless maxims. . . . the sweeping “Never apologize and never explain,” is an absurd policy for anyone to follow — unless it be the person with the unfortunate habit of apologizing constantly for everything . . . In essence, he is an insatiable demander of attention and reassurance, practicing what Oliver Wendell Holmes termed “egotism wrong side out.”
An apology is always called for when one person puts another to inconvenience, discomfort, disadvantage, embarrassment, or loss. The person who misapplies the “Never apologize . . .” maxim in such cases not only shows a thick-skinned indifference to the feelings of his victim but also builds up an extremely difficult situation for himself. All it takes is “I’m sorry.” But to skip completely any expression of regret leaves the victim first baffled and then understandably both hurt and indignant. . . .
The manner and the tone in which an apology is offered are more important than the words. “Please excuse me,” “I’m so sorry,” and “I beg your pardon” are among the standard expressions of apology, but “Oh-oh” or any other spontaneous expression of sincere concern can serve in many situations. A brusque
“I’m sorry” fulfills the form but not the spirit of an apology, and usually only adds resentment to the distress of the victim. And an apology that shifts the blame or puts emphasis on the excuse rather than the regret (“I’m sorry, but if you hadn’t–“) is no apology at all.