Sometimes I feel like “The Friend of Last Resort.” When somebody completely runs out of things to do or other people to be around, they give me a call.
I first noticed it with Al. He used to call me up to join him when he went over to Erin’s to hang out. Then if for some reason Erin had to cancel, Al would back out as well. And I’ve tried to arrange get-togethers before and Al has been all interested – until he finds out it’s just going to be me and him. Then he loses interest and comes up with some excuse not to join.
Bill, too. Back when Bill had just broken up with his Girlfriend, he called me almost every day wanting to come over. We would spend hours playing D&D or watching anime or movies or something. We would go out to eat. It got so bad that my Brother had to tell him he was wearing out his welcome and spending too much time over here.
After that, our time together dwindled, until now Bill acts like he doesn’t want to be around me most of the time. I’ve directly asked him a couple of times if he resents living with me and he has answered in the affirmative. It’s as though he only used me for friendship during the difficult period after a break-up.
Delbert is similar. Whenever I’m talking to him on the phone, he has several people who are “interruptors,” that is, they take precedence over me if they happen to call in. His cousins, for instance – if they beep in on our conversation, Delbert will drop me like a hot potato to speak with them. They’re more important than me. The same is true for anyone visiting him in person, but that makes sense, because it’s rude to just sit there and talk on the phone in front of someone. I can understand that one.
Some of these things used to piss me off, but I’ve gotten used to being low on people’s list of priorities. Every time I think I have something of value in myself – in this case, desirability as a friend – life conspires to show me exactly how little value I actually have. I’m a pretty bad friend, actually. I can’t drive anywhere so people are always having to give me rides. If I’m not talking about fears, anxieties or depressing subjects, I’m talking about boring, mundane details of my daily life that nobody wants to hear. Sure, I do have some lively conversations with friends sometimes about some weightier subjects, but those aren’t the norm.
Sometimes I feel like my few friends are all I have though. My brother, my cousin, Bill, Delbert, Erin, Al, and Jed. I haven’t met anybody new in what – nine years? And I’m afraid to do so because of all the negative appearance and confidence issues I’ve developed since then. Without these friends, I wouldn’t have anybody to talk to, holed up in a tiny government assisted apartment slowly relapsing into craziness from lack of social interaction. I’d better protect my friendships as best I can, because I don’t think I could ever replace them.