It addition to Prayer and Bible-Reading, lately I’ve taken to meditating once a day in order to soothe my troubled mind. The problem is, I’m really bad at it.
No matter what I try, I can’t seem to discipline my mind. I’ve had the most luck by focusing closely on my breathing, but I can only seem to achieve an empty mind for a few seconds at a time. Thoughts are always intruding, and I can’t hold my eyes closed tightly, and my eyes dart around the room. Al says I should just let the thoughts flow, and try to observe them as an “Outsider,” realizing that these thoughts are not really “Me” and that I’m an Eternal Being existing outside of Time, completely detached from the Material World. But that’s a high-minded concept that requires a lot of thought for me to maintain, and I can’t seem to focus on it. Sometimes I chant a little syllable while I’m exhaling, and that seems to help, but it’s far from perfect.
When I can manage an empty mind for a little while, and focus on my detachment, the meditation does indeed seem to calm my nerves and give me a sense of peace deep in my belly. But it’s not as reliable as Prayer. Whenever I Pray, I get a deep abiding Peace almost every time, that lasts longer than the calmness from Meditation. It’s somehow cathartic to speak all my problems into the air, whether or not Somebody is actually listening. And it’s easier for me to manage, since I’ve done it for most of my life and I know how it works. Hell, it’s probably easier for everyone.
I’ve read that masters of Meditation have basically completely re-wired their minds, to where more of the brain is active almost all of the time, and the brain releases more “happy chemicals” than anyone else tested. I really wish I could become such a Master, so I could be more at peace with the world, but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it on my own. I probably need instruction of some sort, and even that might not work. I don’t really want to deal with all the trappings of organized Meditation, the religious rituals of Buddhism, the personalities of the people involved… in fact, such things tend to turn me off.
Sometimes it helps me just to “center myself” for a few seconds in the middle of what I’m doing. I try to breathe deeply and focus on those breaths, as well as thinking that whatever happens, happens, and in the end it’s transitory and doesn’t really matter. Sometimes even this is enough to calm me down. Sometimes I can get to the point where I’m even accepting of my own inevitable death. But I feel like I’m not really putting any effort into it, and just skating by on the bare minimum I can do, as I have done with almost everything in my life.