Lately, I’ve been returning to my Faith of old.
I admit, it’s because I’m a “Foul-Weather Christian.” A lot of people are “Fair-Weather Christians,” where they’re happy and successful, so they’re close to God, and when things go wrong, they turn against Him, blaming Him for their problems. I’m the opposite. Whenever I hit a rough patch, I feel like there’s no hope for me within myself, and the only Person who can save me is God Himself.
This happened to me back in 200X as well, when there was a confluence of many tragedies: the onset of my mental illness, my arrest, my brother’s car crash, Ned’s death, Granny Mabel’s death… just a lot of bad things, man. Not only me, it happened to my Brother as well. We both started talking to Dad more, taking his constant religious talk seriously, and attending Church with him. I have a feeling if something really bad were to happen to Bro, he would prove a “Foul-Weather Christian” as well, and return to the Faith for a brief time.
I’ve started talking with my family more often, particularly Granny, Dad, and Uncle. I call them on the phone almost every day. And I’ve been taking their continuous religious talk seriously – they speak so convincingly of how God has helped them that I start to believe it. I’ve started having a little prayer time and Bible reading of my own. I don’t really “get” what the Bible is trying to say, it all seems like a load of outdated gibberish to me, but every time I pray for 20 or 30 minutes I get a sense of peace that is very difficult to describe. I’m starting to Believe.
One of the things that inhibits me, though, is how desperately selfish my prayers are. I spend most of my time asking God for help with specific problems, or to have mercy on me, or to forgive me of my sins. I spend very little time praising Him. But one thing I do at length is thank Him for everything He has given me. I have a lot to be thankful for: my family, my friends, my general health, my shelter, my food, my income… I really have it a lot better than most people in the world. And I really am thankful for it. I never forget it. I thank God for every moment that I’m not suffering or in some sort of pain.
In addition to this, I feel like I don’t deserve God’s help. It’s not that I think Works is the way to Salvation, I know that no man can win God’s favor by his works, that we do that though Jesus’ sacrifice, and it’s a time of Grace, so as long as we call upon Him, He will help us. I know that Man always continually fails in his attempts to be Righteous, and more than that, all his “righteousness” is as filthy rags before the Lord. It’s not that I can’t change, it’s that I have absolutely no intention to change. I pray and read the Bible knowing I’m going to watch an R-rated movie, or ignore the few chores I have in favor of playing videogames all day, or spew a foul stream of curse words. I don’t even try to change. I think this means that my repentance is not truly genuine – I don’t even make an effort. And I think this precludes me from any mercy on God’s part.
Uncle says that as long as I have the desire to change, God can place it within me, so that I don’t have to do it by myself. I pray for that desire all the time, and he says that’s a good start. But I don’t think it will ever happen, and I certainly won’t take any steps to make it happen. I also think at least some attempt is required on the Sinner’s part; like the old saying goes, “God helps those who help themselves.”
And I need help with so many things: with my finances, with my laziness, with my lack of self-respect, with my smoking, with my depraved nature… I’ve gotten to the point where I feel like all these things have been forced upon me, that they’re almost more than I can bear… and that there is nothing within me that can change them. I’m an extremely pathetic individual, with next to no Willpower. That’s why I feel like I must turn to an Outside Force. After all, there are many people whose lives have been greatly improved by turning to God… a lot of them in much more desperate situations than me.
I feel like if I have some sort of Faith, that I can correct one of my most deep-seated problems, one possibly responsible for every other flaw that I have – that nothing is worth any effort, because there is nothing to believe in. Everything is corroded and decayed. Everyone is corrupt. There are no causes worth fighting for. You work to make others rich. You raise children only to have them resent you. You do your best and achieve only middling success. And after all that, you die, and you become completely wiped from the Earth. Nobody remembers you. Nothing you did mattered. If I had Faith, I could at least have an Eternal Reward… and something worth Believing in. I really think this is the reason I’ve given up on everything in my life: because I viewed it all as pointless.
I’ve written about some of this before – in an entry describing how I miss the Certitude of Religion. And I do – desperately. I think that either I was created for religion, or that I was indoctrinated with it so strongly that I can’t live without it. Having it taken away was one of the most devastating processes of my life. Perhaps if I had been raised with a more Existential mindset – that life is what you bring to it, rather than what it tells you – that I would be used to a lack of Faith and able to create my own Belief Systems, and find Value in them. But that didn’t happen. I was Indoctrinated to the very core.
I imagine this “Foul-Weather Christian” period will last for but a short time, before I forget God completely. It’s terrible of me to say that, and right now I hope that’s not the case. But it’s been the pattern of my life. Even when I had Faith and I attended Church, my “spiritual high” lasted at best a couple of days before I returned to degradation and depravity. It’s part of why I gave up on it – because it seems so unworkable. But maybe that’s the best any mortal man can do.