Heyo, Future Caco here, writing to you from March of 2022. The journal is now entering a different period. Around October of 2009 I got worried about backlash from Social Media and took all my writings offline. I decided I would compile my deepest, darkest thoughts into a Compendium for someone to read after I had perished to perhaps reach some mild understanding of what had happened to me. Most of the entries after this point were contained within various Word documents around my hard drive, named things like “journal2009.docx.” One of the reasons I am putting them here after stumbling across them recently is because well — I guess I seek some kind of recognition, as well as hold a strong desire that what happened to me might be instructional or preventative for someone else.
Let me be clear. I was extremely mentally unwell during the creation of most of these entries in my mid to late 20s. Bitter, selfish, petty, outright detestable. A vicious little incel weasel who had no conception of how off-putting he was and largely assumed the world had conspired to make a mockery of him without any culpability of his own. With a great deal of self-reflection, reading, therapy, and especially medications I have moved beyond this conception and representation of myself. Sometimes it is unbelievable to me, the author of these pieces, the things that I actually did and said during those times. It is almost as though something magical happened, and I can’t put my finger on what it was. Maybe all I needed to do was survive it.
The following content is rough, and that is after I tweaked most of the entries and sometimes outright rewrote them to limit how aggressively hostile and despicable they are. Be warned.