Every time I ask my Grandma for anything, whether it be a trip to the store to buy groceries or simply to come over and spend time with her because I feel lonely, she makes an excuse as to why she can’t offer her help. Usually she claims that she can’t afford the gas for the trip. And then she bitches me out for even asking.
So today I was talking to her, asking if I should go to the grocery store, and she starts complaining that I should have gone yesterday when I was out and so forth. So I ask her where my Aunt is, since she would be the one to come pick me up. She tells me that Aunt has gone to Goodwill and also to the library.
It just hits me at this point, that Grandma never says anything about all the trips that Aunt makes with the car, even if its for something as trivial as a pair of shorts or to see a movie. And I realize that all the excuses she has been giving me are just that, excuses, and the truth is she doesn’t want me around her. It is driven home by the pronouncement that Aunt makes as we are in the car on the way back from the grocery — that she has to run a gallon of milk all the way home and then come all the way back out to see a movie, so could we please hurry up?
I suppose after living with her for three years and relying on her for nearly everything, Grandma’s good will toward me has simply run out. She can no longer stand to deal with me, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she wishes I weren’t even her Grandson anymore. These facts depress me, even more so due to the fact that I was a useless Grandson for the time I was with her and probably deserve all the ire I’m getting. It makes me feel like I’m a worthless person to have around, and even more so, that I’ll never be able to do anything better with myself.
It’s not just her, either — Dad has always been neglectful toward me, as well, and the only times I am permitted to interact with him is before 10 AM on weekdays. All in all, I just feel like my family isn’t very close, and doesn’t truly hold unconditional love for one another as I’ve always heard families should. Even worse, maybe it’s just me that deserves this treatment.
I think I’ll lie down for awhile.