The time of my move to Lexington, September 1, is fast approaching. As that time nears, I find myself growing increasingly anxious. One of the things I’m afraid of is what type of people my Brother will have around the house. Bro likes to date and sleep around a lot, and he usually has one or two women over a week. Will I get along with them? Will I repulse them? Will I feel jealous of them? . . . Nevertheless, the amount of strangers I am exposed to will be a source of difficulty for me. I’ve been secluded for so long that I’ve grown out of the habit of interacting with others, although Bro tells me I’ve done well the few times I’ve been forced to do so.
Another fear is really quite irrational. So many strange things happened to me in Lexington before my breakdown, I have difficulty believing that some type of nefarious institutional interference was not taking place. I’ve been reading the articles and book excerpts at [REDACTED] and they have given me some disturbing insight into the government’s (and other institutions’) experiments on random members of the populace. Before, I was afraid that I was being monitored because there was some type of special significance about me, that I represented a type of anti-establishment ideologue or dangerous individual. Now I realize that most of the unwitting victims of mind-affecting experiments performed in the past were chosen purely because of their insignificance. Prisoners, the mentally ill, the homeless, prostitutes . . . anybody with a lack of ties to others. In some cases, the National Institute for Mental Health was involved in the experiments. I fear now that I will be chosen for some type of experimentation purely because of my illness and my utter expendability. I will be changing health care providers, after all, and who knows if they’ll want to mess with my medications or otherwise interfere with my treatment.
I know rationally that most of the problems I encountered were due to experimentation with drugs, and that in all cases of drug abuse I was an active participant — I chose to put those substances into my body and therefore my mind. But sometimes I have dark suspicions — that I was being encouraged to do so, or exposed to some type of countercultural element of society which does not have my best interest at heart. I mostly hung around dropouts and stoners before I broke down in 2003. Is it possible that I was being lured to the easy gratification of drug abuse? I think I was, but the stretch comes when I imagine some nefarious, overarching plan to destroy my mind. If anything, the people who offered me drugs were just trying to share recreations with me, or at the worst drag me down to their level.
This still doesn’t prevent me from being fearful. I imagine as the time of my move grows closer, and shortly after I get moved, I will have minor anxiety attacks as I did when I lived with him in 2006. Back then I used Buspar to get rid of the anxiety, I shall have to make certain to ask for another prescription for it at my last Doctor’s appointment here in [REDACTED]. Speaking of medications, I’ve had to cut back the Wellbutrin from 300mg to 150mg. I started experiencing sickeningly familiar symptoms after about a week of taking the higher dose, when it would have achieved an appropriate blood level.
I stopped sleeping as much, which was good, but I also had a sense of frantic energy, of rushing thoughts and the desire to be on the move as much as possible. I started to become disoriented, and I found small coincidences to be indicators of some engineered reality. In short, I started having Hypomanic symptoms. It’s possible if I kept taking the higher dose I would eventually get used to it, because I’ve been on 300mg of Wellbutrin before. But I didn’t want to take the risk. Every time in the past that I’ve had these symptoms, they have rapidly grown worse unless I took active steps to prevent it.
That’s all I’ll write for now. Hopefully things will improve as time goes on, but I know that won’t always be the case. Eventually my body will break down and I will die. I just hope I maintain my sanity until the end.