The main thing different this time, as opposed to the last time I wrote, is I’m no longer in my twenties. When I turned thirty, I promised myself I would do things differently. I would try to change myself, to improve myself. I created meticulous little lists in notepad.exe of things to do each day, and checked them off by typing little X’s next to them. I kept this up for awhile. I even entertained notions of getting back into the workforce . . . After all, if I made anywhere near what I used to make, I could afford stupid consumer distractions such as XBOX 360s and HDTVs. Not to mention a new computer.
But then I talked to my therapist. She told me she knew people like me who had tried to get back into the workforce. Bipolar disorder, schizoaffective, whatever it is I have. They flunk out after a few weeks and ruin everything. One girl was still trying to correct her Medicare eligibility about six months after she’d quit. My therapist told me she thinks I have symptoms of schizophrenia, and didn’t really seem to think I should try much of anything. This was very discouraging to me.
After that I talked to my family. They don’t think I can handle a job. They don’t think I can handle much of anything, really. Actually, I don’t even think they feel I can’t handle it, like it would just be too much for me, but they feel that I don’t want to expend the effort to do anything and I’ll never change. I didn’t realize it until I talked it over with friends, but this is really the safest option for them. If I try the workforce and flunk out again, I’ll be back living with some family member, a complete burden to others.
So after hearing all this, I stopped doing everything. I was taking Spanish lessons, doing a little exercise, reading — all of it fell by the wayside in favor of staring at MAME32’s main menu trying to decide what 80’s arcade game to resuscitate my childhood with. Then Delbert lost his job, temporarily denying me the solitude I like to have before I settle down to my daily tasks. He got absorbed into World of Warcraft and dragged me in with him. So that’s all I’ve been doing the past month or two. Playing old emulated videogames and World of Warcraft. Why, just last night I dug up all the old Forgotten Realms SSI Gold Box games for the Commodore 64.
But now New Year’s is coming, and I feel like I have to put some effort toward being less contemptible once again. Reviving my long-dead journal is one way of doing so. At least when I’m dead and gone, somebody might read my ridiculous thoughts on my life and find themselves amused. It seems to be the only type of writing I can manage, anyway. I wrote a few short stories, showed them to friends. Their responses were “polite.” I suppose I expected fireworks to go off or something. No, I’m just another nerd with a large vocabulary and a knack for memorizing information; my greatest purpose would have been coding databases for a corporate website’s backend but I flunked out of college due to lack of interest and failed even at that.
So here I am, chronicling the busywork I put myself to in order to make myself feel something other than completely worthless.
Hope you enjoy it.