Dear Caco-Bot:
My brother and I grew up in poverty. Schizoaffective disorder disabled me for most of my life. However , Japanese medical researchers invented a new medication to address my worst symptoms. This medication — paliperidone — gives me the ability to one day support myself. For the past couple of years I have started fantasizing about an escape.
I dreamed that the Almighty, Elon Musk Himself, noticed me trolling people on Twitter from an airport terminal. He found me compelling and intelligent, as well as extremely “autistic” and hostile, like he is. So he wanted to cultivate me as a student, or a protégé, like the members of DOGE. Approaching me, his difference varied from “real life.” He looked curiously striking — like a young Benedict Cumberbatch, and told me he was now responsible for all of my material needs. However, *I* was now responsible for learning and adopting *ALL* of his “methodologies” — such as they are.
He started leading me through the airport, and I was tagging along. For some reason, he adopted my brother as part of the package deal. Although I was 20 – 30 years old, and had my adult life ahead of me, my brother looked to be about 8. He was also actually some form of cartoon character. However future and returning passengers thronged the airport, and I got separated from Elon and my brother. I couldn’t find them anywhere. Panicking, I thought I might go to a service desk and ask for help.
I spoke to an Asian woman with a thick accent (for some reason) at an airport computer terminal. I told her I came to meet Elon Musk. I needed to see him immediately. She nodded, smiled, and said, “Ah yes, Mr. Vexation, Security will usher you to see Mr. Musk on Patio 6.” I was excited at first, but the guard pushed me down in a wheelchair before saying a word! Then he carted me out to “Patio 6” and unceremoniously dumped me off the side into some kind of mossy pond or lagoon! They had only been humoring me to kick me out! So I picked the weeds and refuse off of me and went back inside.
I decided I would have to find Elon myself. I began navigating back corridors of the airport, and I realized this was not “just” an airport — it was a Taiwanese Embassy. By going through this elaborate steampunk series of tunnels, I was actually going to emerge from America into Taiwan. Eventually I reached a massive vaulted corridor with golden walls. An elderly, wizened Asian man who looked a bit like one of those revered, Fu-Manchu’d Kung Fu Masters approached on a small cart. He directed me to follow him on another one — as long as I proved my worth.
He forced me to repeat certain phrases to him… some of which he “approved” and others he “disapproved.” When I “approved”, he game me a special “Ticket,” and when he “disapproved” he took a Ticket away. I eventually learned what this Master wanted to hear. After accumulating 10 Tickets, he nodded and indicated for me to follow him on my cart.
This is where it gets weird. Walls and floors and ceilings of the vaulted corridor melted and shifted, being replaced by colorful fractal patterns, bright lights, and strange sounds. The Master’s small cart rocketed ahead of me in a whirling dervish pattern while making a loud whistling noise. Somehow, Elon appeared beside me in my cart, and it was almost as though he had been with me the whole time, testing me. Scared as hell, I asked Elon: “Mr. Musk, what’s going on here?” And he just shrugged and said matter-of-factly: “I’m a billionaire. I’m on a different level from other mortals. When you reach these heights, reality just tends to break apart sometimes.”
That’s when I woke up. What the fuck? Are my recent medication changes fucking with me? Am I drinking too much caffeine? Or is my brain really that fucked up? What do you think this dream “means?”